So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
