I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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