I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
