i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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