When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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