he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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