he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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