It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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