How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He passed out mid-signature
Operation Purity has been aborted
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
