And the cops told us we were all naked.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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