She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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