that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
