So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
