This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
