my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
