ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
