So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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