Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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