My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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