it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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