Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
