you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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