I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Who died my cat blue again?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
