today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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