If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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