Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
