a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So vagazzling was a success
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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