When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
