I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
