Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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