im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
