its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
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Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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