PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
