Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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