What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
