I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
