what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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