Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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