Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
