"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
