I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
There are leaves in my underwear?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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