I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
