The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
