I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
