whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
