Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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