peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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