I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I am midnight drunk by noon
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
