who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
