there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
