You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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