Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
