I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
