I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dear god my vagina.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
