No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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