According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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