Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
